The flow of freelance

Like a lot of writers, I've picked up a little freelance here and there over the years, but until now, I've always been a full-time, in-house, on-staff writer.

Now that I'm freelancing as my primary gig, I'm having to operate so very differently.

The following is a sample scenario. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't.

I wake up, get to my computer...I'm rarin' to go on the job that was supposed to be coming through.

I skype my boss - the one who said he'd have a ton of work for me on Tuesday. He's the Hardest Working Man in Design; he's wearing 11 hats; he hasn't been able to get back to me. I know it's not personal, but I wait expectantly for further instructions.

Hours later, I find out that we're "on hold" or "awaiting further feedback" or "the project has changed and I'm no longer needed" or 100 other completely understandable replies.

Every freelancer has been there.

In an office, I'd just wander down the hall and find out where the project stands. Someone always knows. Or I know we're all waiting together.

Sitting in front of my laptop at my house or looking up at the bulletin board at Starbucks, I'll send out an IM or email and hope I'm not being a pest. And wait.

There are a lot of benefits to freelancing. I'm doing fulfilling work that challenges me and keeps me motivated. I don't miss my hour-long commute. I can wash my car on any random Thursday morning, as a veteran freelancer told me. And, like anything, I know I'll adapt to the ebb and flow of it.

But every once in a while, I definitely pine for the familiar world of the Office (with its own challenges and issues). At least for now.

The world out there

I'm sure I sound like an old fuddy-duddy when I say this, but I marvel at how rapidly the information and marketing worlds have changed in the last few years.

My younger son wants to spend all his time on Club Penguin and Poptropica—virtual worlds for the under 10 set.

My wife, who could barely turn on the computer two years ago, is a FaceBook addict, connecting and posting and embedding videos of a dog rescuing another dog in the street.

My new job search is aided and abetted by not just job boards, but meta-search sites that can look across multiple boards and bring everything (well, not EVERYTHING) to me tied up in a little bow. Similarly, I no longer need to search Orbitz and Travelocity and Yahoo Travel for the lowest rates...a site like Kayak will look across multiple sites.

Today, it's Twitter and Facebook and YouTube. A year from now, those individual sites will probably be replaced by aggregators that bring all of your content on one screen, unpdated constantly.

Daunting yet exhilarating.

It's like Duran Duran...Bora Bora...or the dik-dik

"Second verse, same as the first."

For the second time in less than a year, I've gotten laid off. And the story is uncannily similar: agency loses a major client and "hard choices had to be made." Nobody feels good about it, but, well, there it is.

The whole thing is bookended. Last time, it was about a month before my kids and wife had to go back to school. This time, it's about a month from when they get out of school for the summer.

One big difference is my perspective on it. I'm motivated, but not frantic. And, as soon as I say that, I know that I should've gone back and read my blog posts from August/September. Because although I may've been trying to maintain a brave face back then, I wasn't feeling it.

We'll see what happens this time.

So THIS is what it feels like

Life is funny.

Six months ago, I wouldn't've told you that I had everything in life–that I was inordinately lucky. But I was.

Now, I'm not saying that I had the greatest gig in history, but I knew my job, I was good at my job, I was comfortable in my job, I like the people at my job. And I had a 21-minute commute.

Our kids weren't in daycare or afterschool programs.

Now, I think I'm feeling what most people have always felt. Run-run-running all week, then living for the weekends...and trying to catch a few blissful moments with my family whenever they arise. We're having more Family Movie Nights. And "Go Fish". And jigsaw puzzles and bike rides together (not at the same time).

And it feels good. And it feels right. And six months ago, I didn't know how lucky I could feel when my life is so much more complicated than it was.

My little chatterbox

I've started really listening to my younger son.

Not that I didn't listen to him before now, but I've committed myself to really absorbing his words while 5-year-old logic still reigns supreme.

Tonight he told me he thought he was "Made in China".

About a week ago, he told me that his new shirt was "so new. Well, maybe it's not THAT new. But it's new"

And he keeps raising his hand at the dinner table to ask me whether I, for instance, " 'member the time when there were those girls we met at that cabin and we all went on the boat together. I wanna do that again."

Now, despite the nuggety pearls of impossibly cute wisdom, Stephen has become a running monologue, the human equivalent of white noise. He simply never shuts up until he finally falls asleep.

Woe to his kindergarten teacher. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

Tick tock tick tock

It's getting toward the end of Week Four at the new gig. My boss asked me if I was ready to make it permanent. And I punted. Said I needed more time.

A myriad of factors really have made it hard to judge. (Really!) Factoring in the long commute. The inertia of getting my thinking reoriented after 14 years of TDI. The unusual helplessness of a new gig (Where do I get Post-Its...and other, less trivial questions).

But, in the end, she asked me if I can really be happy doing what I've been doing - in the way the New Gig does it. And honestly truly seriously...I just don't know.

I'd be a fool to walk away from a reliable paycheck. I can make this great. Right? Can't I?

Everybody likes a warm shower

Imagine it: You turn on the water...you climb into the shower - and the water is scalding. You tell yourself the water can't stay this hot for long. You get a little used to it, but ask yourself how long you can take the scalding water until you'll start to burn.

Then, without warming, the water turns frigid.

You wonder: How long will this last? Is this better or worse than the boiling streams?

And you wish that you had some way to regulate the two - just a little - to make yourself a warm and satisfying shower.

This, in essence, has been my first few weeks at the new gig. Frantic one day - playing catch up, scribbling on Post-Its, running from desk to desk, files were due an hour ago...then - the next day - wait and review and archive and wait and think and hope and collect and review and wait.

I know every job has its ebb and flow...but tidal waves and trickles is a new one on me.